I Bare Witness

O, blessed is He that dwells within me!
That I may continually spout words of encouragement and thanks,
wonderfully shaped in His image, I stand.
Create within me a heart that loves praise and sanctification unto You.

O, God.

I want to lift you and everyone up. To be adored and loved by a God who sees our every need.

At times I oft fear the future and the way that time is held by it.
This cannot be the norm.
I shake inadequacies off my shoulders.
I irradicate anxiety and selfishness from my mind and heart.
Lonliness has no place here.

I refuse. I refuse to be toyed with.
My feet are firmly planted on His foundation.

The stars themselves shine with brilliance and magnitude for what He has done.

♥
I just felt poetic tonight and also I've been wanting to write more. & more. & more. I want to be able to write more lighter poems. My stuff that I do write is so dark and mysterious. On Friday, we workshopped and I loved my feedback. It really made me think. "Am I really this broody and dark? Or am I just a product of my environment?"

I don't want to be. I want to be me and original and...just not that. I would rather stop writing than to copy what other people have done or acted on. It's just lame and stupid. So I hope, dear reader that you enjoy my poem. I would love to hear what you have to say on it. If anything at all. Or if you want to say 'hi'. That's nice, too. :)

Oceans.

Take me deep. Where my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. 

Today was our first workshop in poetry class and they really liked my poem. I got a lot of feedback that was positive and I am really happy.

I also was talking about the handsome teachers in my department to the grad assistant and it turns out she went to school with one of them.

Also, she is 33. 

So there's that. She swore up and down that they wouldn't know but yeah. She seems pretty legit. 

Tbh, if they found out, I wouldn't care. There isn't much I can do at this point and I'm graduating sooooo.

Who even cares? 

This song makes me fall in love with my/our Creator all over again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw


Just...listen to it and know that God encompasses us all with love, faith, and understanding.
What I love/like about God is the reality of it all. He always has His arms outstretched to us. Asking us to come and sup with Him. It's amazing, really. To me it's sad that it took me to fast to realize that. I had to strip everything away and really focus. I've been reading the Bible a lot and His wrath is very real. 

His love and compassion is too. It's actually overwhelming how much He loves His creation. 
It's great because life can be so hard at times. 
Sometimes I feel so down trodden and discouraged. I don't want to feel that way, but it comes without warning. A gradual decline but I know who holds tomorrow. 

:) 

Happy weekend, guys.
♥

Don't Fade, Don't Evaporate

Hey guys,

Over 100 people viewed my bloggy in one day! Thank you so much! 
Malaysia. I see you. ;) 

Anyway, I am halfway through this fast and I couldn't be more happier. I am ready for some meat, but I do have...one thing I would like to share that's been on my heart for the past two days.

God is teaching me to open my mouth.

To a third world country, I am blessed. To an everyman here in the US. I am dead in the water. I feel like I could be homeless. At this point in my life, I am struggling.

Struggle. It's a word that I've heard and experienced a lot. I'm the conductor on the struggle train.

I think that God is finding me desperate. I don't have a lot of money and I'm used to that. Not only does the fast stop me from buying normal groceries, but stuff in general. I think that I am learning to do without. Which I have never had to do. Not for a long time, anyway. Now, I am working on campus and it's not enough. Last week, I applied for food stamps and I was turned away. My hopes were so high but no dice. Not too sound like Oliver Twist, but it's good for me. My ego and pride sometimes serve as a brick wall in front of me. God is just taking it down, brick by brick. 

It hurts but I need it. It's like taking that band-aid off to cleanse your wound. I cry, but I know I am growing spiritually. It just sucks sometimes. I want to have money but maybe I wouldn't learn with everything provided for me. I don't know. If you want, comment and tell me what you think.

Did I tell you that I am in a poetry workshop and I love it? Because I totally do and I wish all of my classes were workshops! :) 

Loving it. Anyways, I am still searching for jobs here and I looked in Austin for jobs.

Thousands upon thousands. I was blown away.

This is my last semester here and I can't wait to see what is next.

I will def miss my church but there is so much more opportunity in the city. 

♥
 

Beat Generation

Poetry is so expressive. You can put any random words in a phrase and make something meaningful. This semester (which is my last semester!) I am taking a poetry workshop and one of the books I'm required to read talks about what poetry is. Now, I've been writing stuff since high school, but I really wanted to take this class. It's crazy because the teacher felt that my work was so good that I could pass the two prereq's and just register. I am thankful because I would not have had another chance to take it. If you read my blog, you know that I love love LOVE poetry and anything that relates to that. It's so rad to me. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Slam poetry isn't what I'm talking about. That's like left field. I took performance studies and realized that it wasn't for me.

Anyway, I am excited about what I'm going to write this semester. I have a theme of love lost, but I want to expand my horizons. I also think that poems don't have to be extra personal. They can be funny or random orrrrr whatever. :) 

I'm also on the Daniel's Fast so there's that. Look it up. Vegan hardcore with a Jesus twist.

I am also learning to wait on God. I always want things to be done, bills to be paid...right now. God doesn't work like that and He constantly reminds me that He is there. Just on Sunday, one of the ladies at my church came up to me during service and told me that God will move my mountain. I know what that means but I still stay up wondering how bills will be paid. 

When will I learn?

I want to write more. Not to push it, but I want to write a short story or even a long story. A book. That's a long term goal, but it never hurts to dream. :)

I want to subscribe to Revelant magazine. They are worthwhile. The articles tug at my heart and I just enjoy reading what they put online. It's great. Check it out.

Concerning poetry, there's a high chance that I will go home and write something tonight. It's so ridiculous, but the first time around, my poems sucks. To me, at least. They are boring and not me at all. I have to edit, edit, and re-edit.

I used to perform all of my work. So crazy.  

I am going down the list of books I want to read. I still have a ways to go, but I found Jane Eyre for a quarter at Goodwill. I think it's going to be good. The book is a hardback and it's an olive color. Light olive. I also found this gem of a book. Emily Bronte's poetry at the library. I didn't even know she wrote poems. Score. Now, I'm not a Dickinson fan, but maybe I'll like this. The Bronte sisters got it going on even though I didn't like Wurthering Heights. That was like reading sandpaper. If you're reading this, please comment with a book that you love. I need some current books to read. I love the classics, but new stuff isn't bad either. OH OH OH! John. Flippin'. Green. He is a great writer and if you haven't heard of him, go now and Google him. He has written a handful of book and it's worth the read. Slaughterhouse-Five. I'm coming for you.

I'm actually reading my first Steinbeck book and it's not half bad. I'm on chapter 2, but whatevs. Sweet Thursday. 

See you around,

Rachel 

2014

It is good to be me.

I didn't know my blog views reached over 10k. That is amazing. I haven't blogged in forever. 3ish months. :)

Thanks...whoever reads/follows this?

2014. I am glad to see it. God has helped me through to the other side. I am now at home typing on my brother's computer. This place is so dead and non-changing. Listening to JEW. Figure it out; it's a band. I have been seeing a lot of my family and I am glad I have. I'm older and I see how important they are to me. My sister and I went to my brother's place to spend NYE. It was really fun. I miss writing. I just recently cannonballed into reading again. I miss it so much. More than air. Well, not really. I refuse to get a tumblr. Boo. I am not cool enough to do that. So, I'm 24. It's so weird seeing that and writing it down. I don't feel any different. I am still searching and looking. I am taking a full load my last semester. I think that is good for me; to stay busy. I still DJ and I am close to graduation.

Sometimes I feel like a failure. Straight up. I do. That feeling is the absolute worst.

On the other hand, I am working at the station and gaining a buttload of experience which I will totes need when I start working for real. Points for me!

My computer is totally busted. WAH!! I like can't even function without one. But here I am. Doing it. Not really because I am on one right now. All of my files were lost. I don't know if I can get anything back because the hard drive is fried. :'( I just don't know what to do. It's so weird, because I was going to be an external drive a few days. fml. Anyway it's another thing I am saving up for. A new laptop.

Molly the Laptop 2009-2013

Happy 2014.

♥

A New Season.

Hey guys,

Every year I write on the eve of my birthday. I just want to cut to point. This year WILL be different. I am going to:

• wear what I want, when I want. Cute stuff included.
• watch more Sailor Moon
• watch more Regular Show
• love more
• quit OkCupid, because really it's lame
• not worry about things that don't concern me
• be happier
• explore when I can
• regret less
• listen more
• discover a lot more
• be more cute/fun/rad/amazing (hard, I know!)
• be more friendly
• not be so naive
• appreciate the smaller things in this life
•  pray more
  
  Hey there, 24.
  
  ♥,
  Rachel

A New Design.

Oooh-wa-ooh. I wiiiish.

Hey guys!

How are you today?

I started this a long time ago.

I think during my vacation!! 

HAY!

I went to New York City!!!

NYC! I can't believe it! My sister and I were there for  week! It was amazing! I really enjoyed myself! :D

We flew up there and stayed at a hostel. We made friends like the last two days we were there. We basically just took Manhattan by storm. We went everywhere! Our feet got brutalized. 
Not a word. Whatever! Anyways, we visited all five of the boroughs and it was amazing. When I told one of the girls who stayed at the hostel what we planned on doing, she was mega shocked. :O

Why?

You just got to do the most that you can. We didn't do any guided tours, instead we just made our own way around the city. It was more fun that way. And cheap! :D When is the next time I will be up north? Like never. Sooooo, it was a great trip and it was bad trip. Bad in that I don't want to move there anymore. A couple of reasons:

A. The pricing/cost of living.

So, Manhattan is expensive. It's the more well-known borough and it's full of rich people and their dogs walking around. There are more down to earth neighborhoods, but for the most part it is pricey. Also! There aren't any Wal-Marts, Targets, or grocery stores. I can't handle it. I don't want to go five different places for groceries. It's unbelievable how much produce is there. What?! Stop yourself, New York!

B. Transportation

I want to say, I love the subway. Getting a Metrocard was the best idea ever for us. I highly recommend doing this. 30 bucks for unlimited rides on the subway, bus, and train for a week. Also, the card is reloadable! Great ideas there. Now, that's good for getting you longer distances but I mean...I like driving. I worked hard for my license! I wouldn't dare drive in NYC. The streets are too crowded, and people just want to die. They walk whenever they want...
Not okay. Totally can get hit that way. Also, way too fat for those stairs. Since the subway is underground, you have to go back and forth downstairs. All the time. Everyday. 
No thanks.

C. Safety
If I were to live there, I wouldn't live in Manhattan. Brooklyn is a good middle because it's safer but cheaper than Manhattan. Not that much cheaper, but yeah. The cheapest borough we visited would have to be The Bronx. We went in the afternoon, and even then it was sketchy. A lot of Hispanic people who don't speak English. Like...not a word. We ate at this place and this dude just started talking to me in Spanish. Not even a word of English! He tried after he saw my bewildered face, though. :\ To get down to the point, I wouldn't want to compromise safety with cheap-ness. I am a cheapskate. That's no lie, but living in a place where I'm scared to go outside at night is not okay. I need to feel at least 85% safe. I wrote 'sage'. I want to feel sage. I want to feel like gumbo.

NOW FOR WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! Picturesssssssssss!!!

Don't mind my derpy face. We would go for eight hours straight just touring the city. It was crazy, then we would go back to the hostel and take a nap! After that, we would head out again at night and just act crazy. 
;) 
So, there's that. Amazing city. So many beautiful things there. 

I want to go back. Again. And again. And again. We were in the all girls room and we met some nice British girls there. They were twins! I didn't even know until my sister asked them! On the last night, two Cali girls were there, and they were so sweet.

Good stuff. La Guardia is sketchyyy. It's in Queens, and after checking in, they told us to go to a section and drop off our bags. They didn't take them from us. These two people moving luggage around took them.

Thank God we had them when we got home. :) 

That's all for now!

♥,
Rachel


PS: 

11. to wear red lipstick

12. write/perform a song for a dozen people

13. to have several different hairstyles

14. to grow in God

15. deep sea dive

16. to walk the streets of New York

17. be in a big musical

I Guess Second Best Is All I Will Know.

Hey hey!

Guys, it's almost August and I can't be more happy about it. I hate summer. All of it. Especially the weather. It's so hot. I live and sleep near my air conditioner. Sad Rachel :(

Things are going pretty well. As well as I can hope. So, I'm going to be 24 in two months and it's scaring me. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm almost in my mid-twenties. 

I will keep living. That's all I can do. So, I don't know if you have heard of Lookbook but I really like it. I downloaded the app but it was totally busted. Don't download the free app, it is pure crap. There are two ladies that I have bookmarked. They dress so pretty! I want to get my act together. *_* I'm inserting picturessss now:

I have a lot of cool clothes in my closet. I need to find the time to dress up. I really like this site because it does give me inspiration for fashion and ideas. Who says chubby chicks can't dress themselves. ;)  I want to look more my age. Not mature or businesslike, but just not like I started high school. I recently bought some polka-dot tights and they are so cute! I can't wait until fall! :)
I also have a white lace dress, and some tights/stockings. What's upppp. Tights go with everything. 

So, I've joined okcupid. Let me tell you, it's taken up a small portion of my life. And by small I mean medium sized. So many uninteresting guys flooding my profile. I've gotten some messages from guys. They are all not my type, or just creepy.  

Until, this guy. He is everything I want in a dude. Romantic, smart, mannerly, conservative, and is wanting to wait for marriage. Pluses all around! There are really no words on how awesome I feel about it. It's really cool to find someone who have a lot of the same things in common with you. c: 
One thing that I'm concerned is that he is mega self-deprecating. He is apathetic about dating because he hasn't had a legit relationship in a long time, if at all. He is 25 and is feeling bummed.

So, I messaged him last night. I was so nervous!! Like I was going to recite a speech in front of thousands of people. 

So, he hasn't been online since Jan so I pretty much have a 0% chance of him reading my message. I was thinking today that he stopped coming online and actually found a gf in real life. That would actually be good for him. 

We will see.

Struggling through Pride and Predjudice. I think that if I know what happens at the end, I tend to not enjoy the book to the fullest. Also, I watched the movie....so yeah. Honestly, the book is really witty. I like how smart Elizabeth is. She is really cool. 

Have a great week, you! I'm going to go bury myself in my homework!

♥,
Rachel 

Thinking Ahead...

Hey guys!

I made a promise and I'm keeping it.

What's uppppp? So this summer I have two lists. Movies and books. For the past month and a half, I have been in movie overload.

Loving it. I have watched a lot of movies that I've been wanting to see! Now, I am house sitting and last week I started craving books. Maybe because I felt like my brain was melting, but whatevs. I have every type of entertainment you could imagine but what I want is read! Here's my list, guys!

1. Lolita by Vladimir Nobokov
2. It's Kind Of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini
3. Sense And Sensibility by Jane Austen
4. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
5. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan
6. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
7. The Divine Comedy by Dante
8. The Outcast by Sadie Jones
9. Paper Towns by John Green
10.Moby Dick by Herman Melville
11.Everything Is Illuminated by Safran Foer
12. Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffernegger

Now,  I have Time Traveler's Wife in my possession and I am reading Pride & Prejudice. To tell you the truth, I could not read Jane Austen when I was a teenager. It was like hitting my head against a brick wall. I guess it was the fact of how she wrote; she was very eloquent and I am not. So yeah! Now that I am 23 I am giving it a go. :) Some of these books I've been wanting to read for a very long time. Excited to expand my mind on some classic literature. My friend owns Dante's book. :D I am not saying this will be a race to finish all of these by the end of the summer, but it's definitely a project.

So, I did not include one book on this list:

I finally read it!  I have to say...it's not bad!
Honestly, I thought it was a good book. I felt sorry for Gatsby probably like all the other chicks who read this. Really, I thought how it was written fit the decade the book was in. Very lavish, elaborate, and beautiful. Of course I watched the 2013 version of the movie and in comparison it left a little out. I think that the film took a different direction as far as character attitudes and portrayals. For instance, the narrator, Nick Carraway. I thought in the film, he was a shmuck. I thought he was this naive boy who didn't know what he was doing. In the book, he was pretty innocent but he had his wits about him. He was keen on what was happening and to me, he wasn't always the last person to know the situation.
So  that's always cool. I wish I would have stuck to my rule of reading the book before watching the film, but it was so temptingggg.

Totes.

Another day...today. It's ce weekend and I am with four dogs.

♥

Hey!

I'm coming back for you. I promise. Let me just dust everythinnnng off around here! It feels like I've been gone longer than I have. It's been two whole months kind of!

Summer is torture.

Also, why even did Google Reader go away? That's so so lame! I can't even! I have  new program but it's not the same and I can't really use it how I used Google Reader. All things must come to an end. I watched V For Vendetta tonight and it's got me thinking of all the freedoms we have in America. Would I give them up for security? For stability?

I just don't know. My immediate reaction is no but what if there is a weird circumstance?

Eek.

I watched the movie Bright Star. Well, I've been watching a lot of movies this summer. This one was beautiful. I loved it.  The actor who plays John Keats looks like my teacher who is hot. It's so weird how much they look like each other.

Anyway! I will write soon! :)

♥

None,

That sick stinking smell.
I hate it.
What will we do?
We can't bury ourselves in the abyss.
That's far too close for our loved ones to see.

r e d e m p t i o n.

We must grasp it, love.
Shadows of guilt and disdain can not keep their grip on our lives, on our present selves. That is not fair.

Not. Fair.

This is bigger than the sky, deeper than the deepest ocean metaphor.

Your grip is too tight. 
I can't breathe. 
Or smell.
But I see.
That mysterious, overwhelming...
You are biting down.
& I can't stand that metallic, stinking taste.



I was very thoughtful tonight. Happy Easter, guys. 

How Do You Say Goodbye?

By kicking them flippin' out.

Hey guys! It's been a long time. I promised myself I wouldn't stay up until 3am tonight because Spring Break is officially over and I can't keep up my horrendous sleep sched, but I really felt to write to you. :)

So, my mom is back in San Angelo and I was just totally inconsiderate and played music way too loud. It was the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. She was screeching. Whoops! Sorry, Mom!

We bought some cheap juice at Wal-Mart tonight for a dollar and it ended up tasting like Kool-Aid. No me gusta, :(

Fainting to the point of tears, you were holding on to make a point; what's the point? 

So, I am glad to be back in school, but nowadays I feel so worn down. I'm always going, going, going..

Gone.

Well, I am doing way better in my classes than I thought. I actually got a 100 on my last music exam. Miracle! I did the bonus and earned a lot of points. I think my teacher was just being generous. I can't figure out his sexual orientation and my human instinct to label stuff is going off kilter. Is he gay? Not gay? The first semester I had him, I thought he was! Srrsly. He was say boys are cute in a weird tone and stuff. He didn't give off that gay vibe, but I thought maybe he was hiding it because he goes to church on a reg basis. Maybs..then one day he talked about a past girlfriend. He could have went gay after her?! Madness, I should quit!! Oh! There is this black guy in my class who is nice to me. Which is fine, I'm cool with that. He wore a 'Boys & Girls Club' shirt one day and I think he works there. That makes me want to do this: -__- Hmm. I thought he was being nice because I'm kind of the outcast in class and I never talk to anyone unless I'm called on. Really, I don't because everyone in class are sooo annoying. I mean, voice/music majors who have other classes so they talk about random topics. ANYWAY, long story short, I sprained my ankle, wasn't having a good ay and I snapped at him because I was walking down the stairs and he asked if I sprained my ankle and it clearly wrapped. 

Well, if he had a crush on me or was interested, he's not now! >=)

Sometimes, I have bad days; he will be ok. 

DJing right now! What better time to update you guys. :) I started using Interpals! It's pretty cool. It's a website where you meet people around the world and become penpals! I seriously need some French friends so I can get better. I have to have 4 semesters of a language to graduate. Awful! Why even? I know you have to communicate, but dannnng! I don't want to, but I'm going.

So, my title. Why am I saying that? I a putting in my two week for my job. I wouldn't call it a job. I go in 4 hours a week, and now next week it's just 2. It's not worth driving there. My boss said he wasn't satisfied with the pace I was going because of taxes, so he hired another person on top of his accountant. So he has cut us back to the extreme. No.

That's that. I'm glad I am leaving because I was highly stressed and I don't need that. He is the one who makes all the trouble for himself. I hope he grows up. Not in a cynical way but truthfully. He is totes old and needs to realize some things.

I want a boyfriend. Have I told you guys that? 

As of today, I have lost 11 more pounds so that is pretty flippin' sweet! People have started to notice and I'm okay with that. I am not overjoyed until I reach my personal goal. I have a ways to go but that's okay. I'm willing to go the distance!

DJing is very fun, but sometimes I just want to go home. I work mainly at night but I get so busy and tired I want to collapse. It will be all worth it! If you haven't listened to my show, do it!! Like my Facebook page: DJ Radical Rachel or follow me on Twitter: @onradkid. :) I post a lot of music news and stuff like that! On my fb page are my hours and how you can tune in! Do itttt. I want your feedback on how I'm doing. Yeah!

I was looking through the job bank here at school and there are no good jobs at all. A lot of work for nothing. Smh! Can't do it again.

I hope you guys have an awesome weekend! I know I will. I am going to Big Springs with my church for a youth rally and then Sterling City for a prayer thing. So busy, but I'm glad to be able to go so much. So, tomorrow I register for class! Fingers crossed for my hot teacher helping us!!

♥,
Rachel