6.21.2012

Upside Down & Right Side Up!

Wooooo!

Too long, guys. 

Hey:

Now that I've lost you to the weather,
I need to pull my laces real tight.
It's been a while since I've seen this...scenery.
Can your memory recall like mine?
Of course not.
I can remember 
every
single
detail
of 
you
Why?
Why do I do this to myself knowing...
steadfastly knowing that we didn't persevere.
Let me dive into the big blue, 
and let my hair get tangled in the waves.
Je ne veux pas de respirer votre parfum comme le parfum de la pluie.


It's been a long time coming; I've been thinking about writing for like...two weeks? I just haven't sat myself down and forced myself to write. I don't know what is wrong with me. Sorry for the lapse in entries. I'm lame; I know. =/// Freewriting is so liberating! I love it! :) I am going to post another poem here. This is a bit special; it's a joint one my friend & I did together a while back. I thought it was amazing but he wanted to proofread his part. Not letting him! Bam!

"My Part, Your Part"

Me:
Rain soaked.
You won't let me in.
I just need a safe haven for now.
Don't be like this.
Knock.
1
2
3 times.
I won't shout again.
I won't say all the unsaid things,
or try to get you to show your emotion.
The rain is terrible and unending.
I shudder from the inside.
Your arms were never enough, so you let me go.
Please stop listening and open this God forsaken door, I know you are there.
Him:
I sat out in the rain once,
underneath an oak tree
while the lightning made the sky
a brilliant mass of indecision.

Every door locks for a reason,
to keep the bad from invading us at night.
I am not in the mood
to discuss which of us needs to stay out.

Remember that movie about liberty and Texas
where they draw a line on the ground
and the loyal stand behind it?
I've already walked across,
please go?

Me:
You speak of another time and place.
I was not disloyal, but complacent of the black and white.
The wild yonder is for everyone, not just some.
Just like the shadows grow with each sundown,
my patience grows thin.
You were once so mighty.
I hear your breaths, against this obtrusive door.
A man, that once was a boy you have grown up and I have stood still.
I am curious of who this man is.
I have not met him.
Mind blocks have a way of appearing when I think of us.
Our beautiful and ugly times together.
How strange it was to hold your hand, and stroke your golden hair.
My fingertips are tingling from the old sensation now.
I grow cold and weary.
There will be nothing left of me but empty words soon.
And a locked door.


Him:
I remember one time I think it was
when we visited Paris and you
bought a hat from a vender on the Champs
that you grabbed my hand and said
nothing meant more to you than
I think you said all the little moments
that add together to be big moments
and keep compounding until they become
something real I guess all these moments
have finally become real
the rain that is covering you right now as
you stand on my porch knocking on my door
listening to my breath as I debate should I open it
and finally decide no that the best thing
for both you and I is to leave everything
the way it is now because we have it
so perfect this way so perfect with our
loneliness I think this is the only way
I want to live perfectly alone with myself
without the need to worry if you are safe
or scared or alone no I am lying I do not
want you to be alone but I do not want
you here did you know that there are
many fish in the sea I think Dr Seuss said that
or maybe not but it is almost true
one fish red fish two fish blue fish
and please note that none of those were
sad miserable fish that refuses to open the door
so please leave sad miserable fish alone
to his own grand delusions and when
your finger tips tingle can you please
I beg of you go find one of those red fish.

Me:
That hat is hidden in my closet,
just like the words in my heart were hidden. Until that fateful day.
The snow is still covering the land
and I have not yet reaped a cold harvest.
Many colored fish litter the street,
trying to find the ocean that we once were.
Rain pours all over me, better than you did.
I want to be the right end of the pencil and erase,
start over and make a genuine history.
Sadness becomes you but does not make you strong.
We are first hand witnesses to loneliness. I want to..
I want it to..
Stop.
In exchange for happiness and joy.
For a chance to experience instead of spectate.
My knuckles are bleeding and your neighbors think I'm crazy.
Think what they will, I can't let you stand there and let time pass.
Open your door.
Open your heart.
To me.
I promise to release the words and secrets behind your lips.
And the director yells, "Action."

Him:
I've been sitting here for three weeks now debating
with myself should I answer should I answer
the letter you put under my door that night
you came here I guess this reply is an answer
I am sorry you were drenched by the rain sorry
I am so damn sad all the time and I don't
answer your knocks or answer your calls it's all
too much you think our life is a movie
and I am the antagonist and you are the damsel in distress
well who is your hero going to be because I think we know
it won't ever be me we're just too far away from the center
of things to make it back inside.

Me:
I take a step forward, and you take a step back.
Always how it was.
That is how it always will be.
You're right, maybe I am looking too far into this,
I don't want to be your pity case,
or your subject of query.
I resent my hasty words; I am a woman of action and
too many times I have used my impulse on you.
You make a somber point, and now as I look back at that
moment...
I cringe.
Don't take this as my white flag.
Do not see this as my forfeit.
I just see the end of the tunnel, and the lights of
an oncoming train.
I will never forget you;
your dizzying intellect.
And your.
Red fish.

Him:
Is that it is this over is this an end
I should have expected it already
but it takes me by surprise completely
if this is goodbye then so be it
if this is regret then so be it
if this is how I will live the rest of my life like
a shell then so be it so be it so be it
so be it, so be resentment and so be pity
so be something please so be something more
than this than I than anything before
so be it.

Yeaaah, so hopefully you guys like it. :D It's been almost two years since I've even read it. I don't know why it took me so long. Also, July is almost here and I seriously want to start at a radio station. Something is holding me back; anxiety. I mean, I feel really inadequate. I know that's not me normally but it's been weird the past few weeks. I don't know what it is, but I want it gone. Also, I may have food reflux! Yay! The past few days I've been having the feeling of choking or throwing up with no upset stomach so my mom thinks it's that. At least it isn't acid reflux. Horrible! You can't eat late at night with reflux so maybe my weight will go down? Or maybe it's a sign to stop eating so much. I don't even know but I totally want to avoid any flux. Of any kind. I can't believe 2012 is almost over. We are halfway there and that's insane. I'll write more soon.

♥,
Rachel

2 comments:

Mägi said...

Oh man! Loves those words. Oi. You've got a real gift and a way with them. So wonderful. So wonderful. He Said. She said. I said, you said this. And then we all replied in unison, "Amen."

Rachel! said...

Oh, Magi.

Thank you. :)

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