Hey. Hey!

I just finished a presentation and I am nervous still.

So nervous that I am writing a blog entry from all my energy.


I bombed it, but I know I will pass. 

That's for sure.

I'm almost out of school for the semester and I desperately want to start writing again. During the break, I am going to be here more. 

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I wish I wasn't so busy. So I could update you.

Poetry class is going okay; we are doing a group poem soon. I am so itchy and nervous.

3 boys and me. Arghhh! 

We are meeting today because we have to have a poem written by Thursday.

Real quick.

A girl from class really liked my poetry. Here's one I performed in class: 

You Put The “Bad” In Bad Music

I don’t think this is going to work.
Not for me.
You can’t wear JNCO jeans in 2012.
You just...can’t.
Or bondage pants.
Or anything on your body...right now.
No! I don’t want another mixtape!
Why is there so much Nickleback and Insane Clown Posse on the first one?!
I don’t even...there are no words to describe how awful that is.
How can your top five favorite bands be all nu-metal?!!
Your bedroom [at your mom’s house!], looks like a high 15 year old decorated it.
No, that doesn’t mean I want to hang out in there!
Fedoras should only be worn in movies like Casablanca.
You look like a creeper who may or may not have a white unmarked van with a bunch of rope in the back.
I don’t want your KD Lang record.
I don’t want your Kate Bush record.
And I definitely don’t want your Melissa Etheridge record.
Let’s face it...I know you think I am whimsical or whatever, but...
you’re like the sad accountant who plays bass solos at jazz night.
you’re like that CD that is less than five dollars on the clearance rack--
put the bad in bad music.

So yeah, I hope you like it. I just presented my project for church. I hope people liked it. I don't care as long as I pass! Goodness.

Right now, there is a girl presenting that has a voice over that is mumbly. I feel bad for her. Pity!

Anyway. this day passed by so quick and I know this week will too.
 Bad timing: today in class, a guy wore a Fedora hat, fingerless black gloves, and a black trench to class. No sir!

Later skaters!  ™ SEO



Together! Forever!

Hey hey heyyyyyy!

So, this week is flying by and today we had to recite our poems, and when I finally mustered up the courage to volunteer, the class was over. =// Thursday fer sure! 

In my other class, I had accidentally missed the midterm! The one day I wasn't in class, we have a test! WTC!?! So, my teacher had mercy on me and let me take it today. I am going to be docked 20 points, but hey! A low grade is better than a zero, amirite?! 

So right.

This was a draft but I'm remedying that now. I did my poem and I actually feel okay with my performance! 

The assistant just said that I should laugh at my own jokes which I am horrible at.

I'm trying to work on not being such a goofball. This weekend was ridiculous, because I did absolutely nothing but clean up a bit. I went through my old mix CDs and laughed. Oh wow. 

Anyway, I was one weird kid. My hot poetry teacher liked my new poem and the metaphors. Also, I made a higher grade on this project that I did in Visual Comm. I seriously thought I was going to fail. My teacher is super nice but she doesn't talk about what she wants us to do. At all. She also throws in random instructions in the middle of a project. We will see how this last thing will go.




My 200th Post! I Made It, Baby!

When  the dark flood came, we wrapped ourselves in a dirty blanket, deciding different opinion on whether we should move.

So, it's my 200th post!!

Still stressed. That hasn't changed. I think that even though my classes are easier, that is made up in projects and assignments. 

So many to do in a short amount of time.

Can I tell you a story? My dear audience?

Every M/W/F morning I go through the student center to get to my intro to r/tv/f class. Earlier this year I saw this...guy who takes classes in the music hall. He looks like a hipster I guess. Clubmaster frames with rolled up jeans and brown loafers. Hair is cut short into a 50's style and he is handsome. Seriously. Not hot; handsome. I saw him in the summer and I thought he was the bee's knees. And then I didn't see him. Well, this fall he goes the same way as me every M/W/F. He holds the door open for me, I say thank you, and we walk into the music hall almost at the same time. And then we go our separate ways. 
That's it.
Mid week, I was running late. Ugh, just so...late. So, I walk into the student center.

He was standing in the middle of the walk-way in mid step. Looking back.

He looked like he was waiting for something.

I had a feeling it was me. He was waiting for me. For our casual encounter. I remember once he was walking by me and I didn't even notice until I heard footsteps that weren't mine. 

Do you believe in fate?

I do. I am starting to really believe. I know God gives us chances and people to meet.
I could def be friends with him. I saw him walking with a girl real close, so I'm guessing that's his gf. Which is awesome! :) We will see. I haven't said anything to him at all.

Speaking of, a lot of my classmates have the same schedule as me. A guy in my poetry class has the same class and this morning he was like, "HAY BOO!!"

So random, and funny! It turns out that he is a comedian and stuff.

Tell me am I right to think that there is nothing better. Than you being my wife and growing old together.

I think my way of talking with guys on all levels is improving as I get older. When I was younger, I was terrible at it. I had 2 or 3 close guy friends and then everyone else were girls. I grew up with girls, so it's easy to talk to them. But I mean, I want guy friends, too. There are really cool guys out there! Real talk. Not a riot grrrl or femi-nazi, but I knew I needed to reach out. 

Somehow. Someway.

I still think my poetry teacher is hot. I think he always will be. I mean, I got over the thought of him smoking cigs real quick! Cancer is imminent. for him. He did say he was trying to quit, but I mean how many smokers say that?

Everyone of them excluding Joan Rivers!

=/ Oh well. He is nice to look at and I'm glad he is my teacher for the second time. 

I am seeing progress on my body with this weight loss thing. My Tegan&Sara shirt used to not fit on my arms. The underarm seam would stop on my arm fat. No jk.

No, I wore it yesterday, and the seam is stopping where it should be. 


I am going to keep forward. I want to see significant loss. I really want to be healthier. A couple of months ago I took my blood sugar and it was 300.

3-0-0. I was shocked. This was taken after I ate stuff but still. It shouldn't be that high. I then knew it was time to do something.
I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, it's just that it was a big reality check for me. I can't just treat my body like a human dumpster. It needs nutrients. It needs healthy things. Our parents were right. I want to try and eat/do better. For me. For Rachel. This time there isn't a boy that I am in love with or crushing hard on. I'm tired of pleasing everyone else. That doesn't matter in everyday life. It just doesn't for me. The only being I want to please is God. He. Matters. This is going to me. So, cheers. Also, I feel like my self-esteem is higher. Higher than ever. I know it's because I am older. Wiser. Stronger. I see things a bit different. I see beyond the interactions of people.

It's weird, but when I pray for people at my church or whatevs, my heart gets heavy.

So heavy with their burdens that life gives them. I wish that all of the people I prayed with knew to just surrender to the Lord. Or at least asked Him to help carry the load. It's very simple, but I know for some it's a hard thing to say. 
God helps you with that! Yes! Ex-introvert over here!

"Better out than in, I always say." - Shrek

So, this week has been stressful all the way around. There is this dude in the youth group at church. He has a big family; 5 sisters. Only son. He told me last Sunday that he had an argument with his dad and he kicked him out. Wednesday, he was still not allowed at his house. So that all happened, and I got my pastor involved and he ended up going home with his mom. What I don't understand is that he only let me know. The pastor knew about the family problem, but not the kid. He was 16. A kid. Sleeping in his truck and going to school. God can just use you in interesting ways. Like, no one knew. His teachers, friends, and who ever else.

Crazy. I'm glad he is home. :)

Oh WOW! WOOOOOOOOW! It's my 200th post!! I can't believe I've stuck in there this long! Two years! Two HUNDRED POSTS!! :D

Geeeeeeez, Louise! I'm pretty proud of this blog!!

Thank you for commenting. Thank you for reading. I appreciate all of it! It's a great feeling to know that there are people who enjoy knowing about your life.

A very nice feeling. :) Today is Saturday and I'm going to catch up on my homework and polish off my poem for next week.

We have to recite it starting Tuesday. Eeeeek. I'm not as nervy about this round like the first one. I think it's because I am doing original work and it's easy to remember. And it's my classmates. Just them.

Okay, s'laters!

♥ always,



All majors come with stresses. I need to remember that.

While I was getting into the elevator, this freshmen boy [who, by the way he was acting, probs had a mental disorder] thought I was a mom checking out the campus.

Cardigans aren't just for old people, little one.

Also, he talked way too loud for two people in a small box. Just...too loud. Louder than me, and that's hard to do. ;)

I feel so worn out and it's only Tuesday. 

I am getting into Bad Religion. A lot. They have tight harmonies and even tighter lyrics. I had a handful of songs from them, but now I want to buy their CDs. And records. And mp3's. Whatever.

I still believe in concrete media! Down with the system!

No, jk.

Cheers to your week going awesome.



Dreams Mean Something.

Hello everyone.

Doesn't my entry title seem legit. So legit.

In the library with a lot of time to waste. My school decided to have a mandatory meeting for music majors&minors.

I love being here more than I have to. Mmm, mmm! :)

No, so how is everyone doing? Today, I had a music test and I did the review for it; 25% of what I did was on that test. The rest was from left field. Just...! You can't do that, teacher! Hopefully I pass.

My friend said we should drop everything and be comedians. So funny! I so remember being like 19 and my little sister saying, "Do you know that you're funny?"

It makes me giggle a bit now! Heheheee, nope! Nooo I never thought I was that funny. Other people do, which I believe is what you want.

So, I have a Performance Studies class and my teacher is hot. I would post a picture but who knows if he Googles his students? Probably! Anyway, he nick is He Who Shall Not Be Named, or HWSNBN.

So, HWSNBN asked us to write something we have never told our parents.

Me. If I'm going to swim, I jump in cannon ball style.

I wrote (& shared!) that I burned a house when I was 7.
I still regret sharing and it's almost Thursday. =/ Oh well! Water under the bridge now!

Gosh, I would like mention something pertaining to my title...but you know me. Off the wall like MJ. I always have vivid dreams. In color. I wish I could read people's mail with my dreams! That would be sickkkk. ;)

I am so lame, I am so loving Youtube videos. Like, fashion people like this & this. I can't help myself. They are legit. Very entertaining and informative! Yes! Next, I have been deleting music off my iTouch. Like...emo-ish, bizarre music. Out with the old.



Litte Ghost, Little Ghost.

So, I am in Austin right now. I am content. Also, I have to try to memorize a poem for my performance class. Goodness. I have a terrible memory. This blog entry is already conceited. ;)

I watched ParaNorman with my mom at the theater and "Little Ghost" by the White Stripes was the song playing in the end credits. I was beyond suprised/delighted. There is so much to do here. I am in love with this city. BAM! I just confessed my love.

Anyway, I wanted to do a little update because it has been on my mind. I don't want to be a ghost blogger. Writing here or there. I want to have a stable writing...schedule.

I have a few projects to do, and I don't feel overly stressed. I am anxious but that's normal for any student, I think.

Also, my random neighbor is a DJ for Sonic Radio and said I should go in and do a voice test! What! Excited! :) I def will! I just never thought that it would be this easy to find people who are in the industry! Sonic or not. Hahaha. Ahhhh, yes.

Connections are always good.

In my Performance Studies class, I have to recite poetry today. I was befuddled and my stomach was in knots. But not now.

I flippin' worked on it for 4ish days. I'm not going to mess up.  Real talk, I am not getting a single word wrong.

It's like I am writing in real time. So many updates. Okay, so I choked. I really messed up. I went up there and all the things I memorized left my mind. I went almost blank. I am so mad at myself! Really?! I recorded the poem and put it on my iPod. T________T 

I just..I don't know. I don't get how actors do it. With theater, you have to know who is talking to you and stuff.

I want to do better next time. I reallyyyy.....do.

Ugh, so anyways, I found this rad lounge cover band that is French! Their name is Nouvelle Vague, and they cover random stuff! I love it. I have their version of  "God Save The Queen" by The Sex Pistols. So gnarly. I downloaded their whole discog, but it wasn't what I had...hoped.

23. Wow. I can't believe I have been on Earth this long.

Still looking like I'm 17. Goodness.

What is funny is that I visited my sister's church and everyone was asking if I was younger. I had on age appropiate clothes. Lea thought it was my skirt but I don't think so! Looking too young!

Benjamin Button! 

Yeah riighhht. 

Lea is pretty mature for her age, but I don't think she looks old.
Nah, bro.

This week flew by. I wanted to visit my friends in Lubbock but I can't go. Total bummer. BUMMERRRR! 
Should I be doing this entry...while I'm in class?

Too late.



I Just Want To Say!

On the eve of my birthday, I want to say this.

I love you guys. I love the people who read my blog unsubscribed. I love the subscribers. You guys motivate me to start up writing if there is a big space of nothing..ness. I defintely want to thank you for reading for listening.

Love you.

I will be back. Stronger and better than ever. My teacher said that we should put our blogs in our portfolios. That makes me cringe a bit but I am a little excited as well.

I'm excited for midnight as well. 

I will be 5 years out of high school. Crazy. 

Happy birthday to this 23 year old.



Yeah Right.

I will be back soon, my darlings.

I will write to you soon, my dear.



A Shortie!

Hey guys!

I wanted to do a short entry right before bed. c: So, this weekend has been crazy. We had the church lock in and it was...interesting to say the least. Some boy almost got a concussion. Thank God he was okay! He bounced back real quick. Goodness. Some dislocated shoulders and bruises as well. By 3am, we were done. Like, shut it down fast. 

Maybe for the best? I had the worst toothache ever. :(( I am not even kidding. 5 on the Richter scale.

I am not better since prayer service. Yay!

So, this LA trip is very very real. My friend is going to let us stay with her  and that's totes a miracle. Seriously, I prayed about it. I mean, I know my sister & I deserve a vacation but I want God to be there. Orchestrating it all, and pulling it all together. So I've been praying about it and hoping things will fall in place. So far, so good!! It's an 18hr drive--24hrs with gas station stops. 

We can do this! We are two Rosie the Riveters!

I want to get a legit camera so I can take tons of pictures of everything. I don't know the next time I will be going to California. Or even the places between LA and SA. =//

I just never travel long distances. 

That's about to change in two week! Goodnight!


PS: All I need is...time.


You Better Come Back Down To Mars.

Heys guys! :)

So, I have a bone to pick. I have a rant to start or whatevs. So, being single...is it that bad? Tonight I was talking to one of my friends and he was going on and on about this girl. Now for him this is the norm. He is always in some predicament with a girl. He just never finds a decent one, is what I'm getting at. Says, "I'm tired of being single now so I'm getting a girlfriend."

I'm sorry, is being single like wearing a shirt to you? I'm not frustrated just kind of put off that people do that. Think that way.

(I'm sorry, I've been single for 22 years and counting and I can't seem to shake it. So, it sucks being in single hood no matter what people say. Don't say to someone like me that you're tired of being single. I've been tired of it ever since I can remember.Also, it doesn't count if you're in and out of relationships to say how much you love the single way of life. You have no idea, friend.)

I love that people in relationships just forget what it's like. This isn't a suck post or a whiny post. I'm just saying...it's annoying when people who aren't usually single are single. 

No sir.

In other uplifting news, it's the start of a new week and church was awesome as usual. There is going to be a youth lock-in at my church and the speaker wants us to dress for a funeral! It's a little odd, but I am excited! I like dressing up. I kind of want to dress like Katy P. did in her "Thinking of You" video.

Really pretty & somber. :) I have some lace half gloves I've been wanting to try out. 
Going to be funsies. All of the Eisley girls are pregnant! It's so cute! :D I'm happy for them, and they are starting on their new album as well which is more exciting! Also, Motion City and Tegan & Sara are making/made albums. The new MCS record is pretty chill. There are some poppy songs on there but it seems Justin is pretty mature this time around. Growing up? Maybs. I can't WAIT until the new T&S record!!! It's going to be awesome. :D Their last one was amazing. It got stuck in my head. In a ver good way!

School starts in a month. Kind of excited!! 

I'm ready for a change. 



& I...Felt Love Again.

Hello ladies  and gents! What's upppp!!?

Hot mess in that video! I'm sorry it's sideways. =/

Anyway! So, first thing, glowpinkstah. Her name is Gloria and she is sooo awesome! Hot boyfriend, too! She's more on the chubby side and she still snagged her a handsome boyfriend who is crazy about her. It gives me hope; it lets me know that the world isn't as small as I had thought. Also, that nothing is impossible! If you want it, it's out there for you!

Her boyfriend is mega hotttt. Just throwing that out there. Again. :D

Moving on, my Mum decided to start cutting back with food! She wants to eat more healthy because her doctor wanted her to lose a few pounds. So! I totes support her  on this, but earlier this year we were on the Daniel's Fast and she wanted to use that. Also, she told me that I was doing this fast again with her. I told her straight up no. She never asked me or even mentioned it until she was ready to start. Daniel's F = strict vegan diet consisting of only vegetables, broth, grains, and water. 


Our pastor had said specifically that it wasn't for dieting purposes only spiritual. You know if you are seeking the Lord and trying to get closer to Him. I explained that to her and she was like, "I want to do that, too!" I also explained this means no meat and she wasn't having it. Wanted meat anyways! Not on the DF! :<
I am not 14; don't tell me I'm going to do something and you haven't talked to me. I flat out refused to do the DF with her because I'm not doing it for the right reasons. I told her I will cut out junk food, soda, and fatty foods but I'm not going full on vegan. Also, I want to diet when I'm ready. It doesn't work if you're doing it for someone else. I told her one of my most hidden secrets: I want to be okay with Rachel on the inside before I change the outside. I've had low self-esteem and I didn't care about myself. Not to suicide, but just I felt..like a loser. Haha, and I don't want to go back to that place. That feeling of sadness. I am getting over myself. I am trying to like the lady staring back at me in the mirror. I know I've come a substantial way because I used to hate mirrors, or anything that I saw my reflection in. I hated pictures.  I hated anything where you could see the outside me. Now, I'm okay. I am okay with being...me. :) Finally! It took me forevs! Anyway, I tried  losing weight and I did it in 2010ish! I still felt dissatisfied. I didn't like myself anymore than before the weight was on my body. I def want to do this right this time. I've known close friends who are beautiful self-mutilate and hate their bodies. They were slender and curvy and were so pretty. They hated themselves. Hated. Not even disliked. I'm not going to do anything close to that but I want to be right inside before I start working on the outside. :) 

My sister & I might be going tooooo....CALIFORNIA!!!

Californiaaaaa, californiaaaa, here we commmmeee!

Yes! Way way excited because I've always wanted to go to LA and see everything. Experience a new place. Everything is coming together right now, but I sincerely hope this trip happens! EXCITEDDD!

I haven't been on a real vacay in a lonnnng time. I might have to say way back when I was jr. high and we went Palacios.

Crazy how time flies. 

My hair is falling out. :( This makes me sad because I have no clue why it's falling out.  It just did. My mom thought I had cut it. Anyway so I'm pledging to not comb/brush/perm it until next year. I have to get it healthy! I'm shedding like crazy and that worries me because I don't have much in the first place. I have coarse hair and it always has a way of bouncing back from anything. Truth. One chunk of hair on the side of my head is longer than all the rest so I look retarded. 


So, all I'm going to do is moisturize it and wash it and see what happens.  I've done something similar before last year and it helped a lot. I just want results and long hair.
I do, I do, I doooo! Long entry this is.

I'm not under any stress so that's a big factor not in this shedding business. =/ We will see what happens. I just want God to help me. 

Summer is almost over and I couldn't be more happier. Come onnnn, fall.

♥ always,
now that you're home, won't you rescue me?
God, i can see.


Friends Of Friends Of Friends.

Turn around, there's those eyes again.

Hay guys! I don't know where to start with updates. Didn't I promise pictures of some sort? Empty. Promises! So, the last efew weeks I have been discouraged. I was fired from my last job as a crap telephone agent and now it's hard to get a job, or even a manager to give you a chance. It makes me sad. Real sad. Delivery jobs won't even look at my application. Like, really? Delivering pizza? No.

So, Satan was all up in it. I actually was feeling mega sorry for myself. 

I don't want to anymore. I want to move on. Blessing in disguise; my class was canceled this summer sesh, so I have ample time to get my act together. Plus, I think I did very well in my first semester. Hopefully, two A's. :D :D

Anyways, so tonight church was awesome. My friend who has been coming brought her in-laws and her sister-in-law really got a blessing. Which is awesome blossommmm.

Pastor came up to me in the midst of this and said, "You're the reason they are here. You matter to God." 

Then he prayed for me. In that moment, I felt so much better. All the things I've thought in the past couple of days didn't matter. Nothing mattered, and I felt...free. I still feel way better, because I know that I have a lot to do.

I can't just lie down and die. Disappear. 

I've been loving this song:

I can't get enough. Also, here's another m i x t a p e

I haven't done one of those in a lonnng time. ;)

Hope you like it! 



I'm Crazy For Tu.

Hey guys.

Easy peasy week this time around. This is random and pretty much not blogworthy, but I haven't had pain in my teeth at all. Woohoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! My friend is making me a mixtape! So excited! I want new music. I'm in discovery mode; I totally want a mixtape made for me. My other cooler friend made me an excellent mixtape and it was totes for me. It had this really rad song on it and I was hardcore relating to it. -___- There was this song about moving out west that I just couldn't stop listening to. Here it is. It's so sweet in the most sweetest way. Go ahead. Go aheaaad. :) 

That's my squinty understanding face. -___- Relatable!

So, yeah, she is so awesome and I love her so much! She did a great jorb on that. I want more now! Muhahahah! Lame.

Okay. so I have been watching a whole lot more Youtube lately. I just suddenly got into to hxc and I'm totes looking into making a video channel. This girlie girl & I were looking into making one together but she has so much on her plate right now...she could guest star on mine! One thing that's stopping me is my camera skills. Youtubers want people with skills! Gosh! I am terrible at pictures and video. Like..a baby trying to hold it steady. Not okay. Here are some of my favorite channels & links:


Enjoy that. I've been watching them nonstop. I'm not even kidding. Ran my whole iPod batt down. 
Also, my sister and her friends made a Spanish practicing blog and group at school and I'm shamelessly asking all of you [yes, you!] to check it out. I think that they are on a good track with this and it will be helpful for people learning Spanish! Here is the link to their blog & Facebook. :) Great things ahead! They are super legit!

I am house sitting and it's sort of weird being in a house alone at night! My apt is old and it creeks but every sound I hear I kind of perk up. Heh. Even when the dog moves around I listen for his dog collar to jingle. I'm not easily spooked, but you need to be sure.

We'll laugh along with the better weather


PS: I am counting down until fall. So burnt. Tired of 100 degree weather everyday. :(


Upside Down & Right Side Up!


Too long, guys. 


Now that I've lost you to the weather,
I need to pull my laces real tight.
It's been a while since I've seen this...scenery.
Can your memory recall like mine?
Of course not.
I can remember 
Why do I do this to myself knowing...
steadfastly knowing that we didn't persevere.
Let me dive into the big blue, 
and let my hair get tangled in the waves.
Je ne veux pas de respirer votre parfum comme le parfum de la pluie.

It's been a long time coming; I've been thinking about writing for like...two weeks? I just haven't sat myself down and forced myself to write. I don't know what is wrong with me. Sorry for the lapse in entries. I'm lame; I know. =/// Freewriting is so liberating! I love it! :) I am going to post another poem here. This is a bit special; it's a joint one my friend & I did together a while back. I thought it was amazing but he wanted to proofread his part. Not letting him! Bam!

"My Part, Your Part"

Rain soaked.
You won't let me in.
I just need a safe haven for now.
Don't be like this.
3 times.
I won't shout again.
I won't say all the unsaid things,
or try to get you to show your emotion.
The rain is terrible and unending.
I shudder from the inside.
Your arms were never enough, so you let me go.
Please stop listening and open this God forsaken door, I know you are there.
I sat out in the rain once,
underneath an oak tree
while the lightning made the sky
a brilliant mass of indecision.

Every door locks for a reason,
to keep the bad from invading us at night.
I am not in the mood
to discuss which of us needs to stay out.

Remember that movie about liberty and Texas
where they draw a line on the ground
and the loyal stand behind it?
I've already walked across,
please go?

You speak of another time and place.
I was not disloyal, but complacent of the black and white.
The wild yonder is for everyone, not just some.
Just like the shadows grow with each sundown,
my patience grows thin.
You were once so mighty.
I hear your breaths, against this obtrusive door.
A man, that once was a boy you have grown up and I have stood still.
I am curious of who this man is.
I have not met him.
Mind blocks have a way of appearing when I think of us.
Our beautiful and ugly times together.
How strange it was to hold your hand, and stroke your golden hair.
My fingertips are tingling from the old sensation now.
I grow cold and weary.
There will be nothing left of me but empty words soon.
And a locked door.

I remember one time I think it was
when we visited Paris and you
bought a hat from a vender on the Champs
that you grabbed my hand and said
nothing meant more to you than
I think you said all the little moments
that add together to be big moments
and keep compounding until they become
something real I guess all these moments
have finally become real
the rain that is covering you right now as
you stand on my porch knocking on my door
listening to my breath as I debate should I open it
and finally decide no that the best thing
for both you and I is to leave everything
the way it is now because we have it
so perfect this way so perfect with our
loneliness I think this is the only way
I want to live perfectly alone with myself
without the need to worry if you are safe
or scared or alone no I am lying I do not
want you to be alone but I do not want
you here did you know that there are
many fish in the sea I think Dr Seuss said that
or maybe not but it is almost true
one fish red fish two fish blue fish
and please note that none of those were
sad miserable fish that refuses to open the door
so please leave sad miserable fish alone
to his own grand delusions and when
your finger tips tingle can you please
I beg of you go find one of those red fish.

That hat is hidden in my closet,
just like the words in my heart were hidden. Until that fateful day.
The snow is still covering the land
and I have not yet reaped a cold harvest.
Many colored fish litter the street,
trying to find the ocean that we once were.
Rain pours all over me, better than you did.
I want to be the right end of the pencil and erase,
start over and make a genuine history.
Sadness becomes you but does not make you strong.
We are first hand witnesses to loneliness. I want to..
I want it to..
In exchange for happiness and joy.
For a chance to experience instead of spectate.
My knuckles are bleeding and your neighbors think I'm crazy.
Think what they will, I can't let you stand there and let time pass.
Open your door.
Open your heart.
To me.
I promise to release the words and secrets behind your lips.
And the director yells, "Action."

I've been sitting here for three weeks now debating
with myself should I answer should I answer
the letter you put under my door that night
you came here I guess this reply is an answer
I am sorry you were drenched by the rain sorry
I am so damn sad all the time and I don't
answer your knocks or answer your calls it's all
too much you think our life is a movie
and I am the antagonist and you are the damsel in distress
well who is your hero going to be because I think we know
it won't ever be me we're just too far away from the center
of things to make it back inside.

I take a step forward, and you take a step back.
Always how it was.
That is how it always will be.
You're right, maybe I am looking too far into this,
I don't want to be your pity case,
or your subject of query.
I resent my hasty words; I am a woman of action and
too many times I have used my impulse on you.
You make a somber point, and now as I look back at that
I cringe.
Don't take this as my white flag.
Do not see this as my forfeit.
I just see the end of the tunnel, and the lights of
an oncoming train.
I will never forget you;
your dizzying intellect.
And your.
Red fish.

Is that it is this over is this an end
I should have expected it already
but it takes me by surprise completely
if this is goodbye then so be it
if this is regret then so be it
if this is how I will live the rest of my life like
a shell then so be it so be it so be it
so be it, so be resentment and so be pity
so be something please so be something more
than this than I than anything before
so be it.

Yeaaah, so hopefully you guys like it. :D It's been almost two years since I've even read it. I don't know why it took me so long. Also, July is almost here and I seriously want to start at a radio station. Something is holding me back; anxiety. I mean, I feel really inadequate. I know that's not me normally but it's been weird the past few weeks. I don't know what it is, but I want it gone. Also, I may have food reflux! Yay! The past few days I've been having the feeling of choking or throwing up with no upset stomach so my mom thinks it's that. At least it isn't acid reflux. Horrible! You can't eat late at night with reflux so maybe my weight will go down? Or maybe it's a sign to stop eating so much. I don't even know but I totally want to avoid any flux. Of any kind. I can't believe 2012 is almost over. We are halfway there and that's insane. I'll write more soon.



Falling Like Dominoes.

So I came home this week.

The family reunion was good. It was a bit awkward for me, but I think it's because all of my uncles and their families weren't familiar. Anyway, I met one of my cousins for the first time. His name is James, and he was really nice. He added me on fb...it was really cool to get to know all of our family. It is so hot here. I don't know which heat I like more or can stand. T___T They are both terrible in my opinion. I forgot how far away things are here. I was staying in a small town and we traveled all the way to the Houston area. 2 hours driving. Not. Cool. I don't know how normal people commute. No fun. Anyway, how are you doing, internet? :)

It's taking me foreverrr to finish my post. Fail. So, this is the first day of school and I got home from...home safely. I'm ridiculous, but I had a lot of fun. Yesterday, church was amazing. We were all over the place. It's just awesome how God works in our lives. Also, one of my friends started coming, too! She is so faithful to church, and it makes my heart glad. Y'know? I've been getting into making onigiri and everything Japanese. I am in love with their culture. While I was down, my besties and I went to a Japanese store called Fit. It was greattt! One of the girls working there liked my satchel. C: What can I say? I just have great taste. Jkjk! I want to post some pics, but for now I'll leave you with this cute picture! 


PS: I'm excited because my teacher is so cute. Score! ;D 



Oh my GOSH! FIRETRUCK! My bottom wisdom teeth are moving around. So much pain. :( 
They aren't even in, they're just moving under the surface. Causing a riot down there! UGH!!!

I'm sorry I haven't been updating. School is out and I don't know what to do with myself. Next weekend I'm going to a family reunion at home. It's going to be a weird feeling going back to a place you've left behind. 

I've been trying to dress better. :) My sister is helping me. She came to visit last week. It was mega fun. 

Why is it that I am in such pain!??! Ora-Gel does nothing. 


Goodnight guys.

♥ + toothpaste,


PS: Good stuff soonskis. Pinky promise. ♥


Watch Me Live & Thrive.

Hay cool cats!

Still not a cool intro, but whatevs. Love it or hate it!

Maybe it's because I'm insanely not busy or just stupid lazy but I haven't been blogging and I'm sorrry. I was trying to write that like a Canadian. =/ SORRY!! To make it up to you guys, here is some pictures!! 

Paul Ruddd!  ♥  I don't care if you are 41. I'd love you forevs. 

So, I've been making bows and bows and bows. I love them and I know that I am 22, but seriously! They are adore!! :3 I can cross off red lipstick on my bucket list. ;) 

What do you guys think? Some people say black women can't wear red lipstick, but I feel they can! It looks okay to me. I know that lighter skinned black women do it, and I see some odd colors, too! Like, lavender or lime green! Just because you are light skinned doesn't mean anything! I mean, I don't wear red lipstick everyday but if I was into make-up, I would have it as a staple in my lipstick collection. I haven't been wearing much of any lipwear. =/ Even my lip gloss! When I was high school, I wore it constantly! No. Joke. I've just shied away from it. I'm not trying to go for a certain look or anything...I just don't wear it. Also! I was not even going by the yearly lipgloss throw away rule! Then, one day I really looked at them and noticed that they were utterly disgusting. More than one had my hair on it. GROSSS! You can throw up now. D: Yeaaah so I totes threw them away; even the Lip Rush ones from Victoria's Secret. 

Btw, have any of you bought the PINK body sprays? Those suckers are good. I bought a mini one in Jan, and I am almost out. :S It smells reallly...normal. Fresh and rich. 8 bucks well spent. Anyways! So I have less than 5 tubes of lipgloss. I bought this Tokidoki lipgloss in Feb of last year and I refuse to let it go. It was like 15 bucks! I'm such a cheapo, but I love it. Maybe I will take a picture of it and show you. It's my least fave color and flavor. Hot pink bubblegum and it's very gloopy and sticky. I only use it for special occasions. ;) Last weekend my brother and his fiance came up here to visit my mom! :) It was really fun, and they also visited my church!!! Sunday's service was such an amazing...thing. I don't even know how to describe it! All I can say is that it was wonderful. My mom was really happy. :)  THIS WEEK IS FINALS AND I CAN'T WAIT TO BE OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A COUP WEEKS, DUDESSSS!!!! 

I only have 3 finals and two of them are tomorrow/today. So good. My music final is 200 questions. O_____O Out of ctrl. Why?! I realllly hope that he doesn't mess them up. I recently turned in a song review and got a high C. I was thinking I would fail, but yeah! And I got an A on my CD review!! S c o r e. I don't even have the textbook.

Now, this chem test is diff. It's going to be a struggle. This will be my last science class. Ever!

I signed up for summer and fall; things are looking good. Everything has fallen into place and I have God to thank for that. I have been on Youtube watching people vlog and I so want to do that. I think I am sort of interesting! Maybe I can put up a poll and leave it to you guys to decide. I've never done anything like this and it should be funskis! I don't know if I could do it daily like some of the people I watch. :S They make a living out of it. Legit. I'm just looking to have fun. Shocking news tonight; the leadsinger of Against Me is becoming a woman?! INSANE! He is not even gay; just thinks he was born in the wrong body. Like, wow. I was shocked. Left. Field! I'll link the newsstory. :O This world is in trouble.
I am not a hxc fan, but I do like some stuff from them! My friend stopped in the middle of the road! She reallly listens to them. Shocker!! 2012!

I just think of his wife and child. You know? How is it going to affect his kid in her life? What do you say to your friends and classmates? 

Kind of sad.


Enough of that! Summer is here and today and yesterday it rained! It feels so good. I love the grey skies! 

On Memorial Day, I'm going home for a family reunion and I think it will be really great. My sister & I will carpool down and I want to stay for a couple days. I just want to see everyone and just relax. I mean, compared to a lot of people in school, I have had an easy semester but it only slowed down after dropping that phys class.

I am fine, I am fine, I just need 100 dollars!

Tomorrow is going to be awesome.



11. to wear red lipstick
12. write/perform a song for a dozen people
13. to have several different hairstyles
14. to grow in God
15. deep sea dive
16. to walk the streets of New York
17. be in a big musical

I also think that charlieissocoolike is super cute. His English accent doesn't help the cause.  He is pictured above with his hair pulled sooo far back. Also! I tried to put floral fabric on my oxfords! Please excuse my nappy as ever hair! Don't you just love my scowl in the gif? 10/10.
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