School & The Semester Abroad

"We'll be taking whatever you got. All your pretty little rags & bones!"

"Was your kiss too weak? Were your eyes too tight? And much too young to fall in love. Much too young to be in love. Just let me run where I want to run. Just let me love who I want."

"I lie well. Halehu. I lie for only you."

"So go away, go away and leave me on my own. Honey, leave me on my own."


^____^ I can finally sign up for classes! Brit Lit here I come! There's something I want to talk about: self-image. 2010. Image is everything. Most people judge you based solely on how you look. I'm here to say...it doesn't matter. Of course, to get a good job or make a good impression, you have to be presentable. But to be constantly trying to up your friends in who looks better or copying people on television is insane to me. Now, I'm plus size. I am, and that's something I deal with all the time. Do I hate it? No. It's not really that I hate the plus size label or the people in that label. I don't like MY body. At all. I was raised that being big is unhealthy, wrong, and embarrassing. My mother always mentioned and tried to put me on diets and "eating plans" starting when I hit puberty, because she was concerned. I see her intentions, but to me it felt like I was never good enough. Good grades, staying in school, and out of trouble seemed second rate to my weight and what I looked like. I think I started hating myself when I realized I was much heavier than my friends and stuff. So with all these pressures coming from every side, I shut down. I wouldn't talk about it, but I didn't have anyone to talk about it with. Y'know? I never had guys be attracted to me at all. Dating was not heard of for me. I think it's because I hated my body, so why should they like it? Self-esteem was not present at all, and as I went through high school it didn't really leave me. I felt trapped inside my body. That's never a good feeling, but now at 21 I feel like I can like the chubby girl in the mirror. The fat girl who has never been kissed, who has never had guys give her a second glance and a mom who never understood that without support, a diet is a death sentence. I can start to love that person looking back. Feed it right. Clothe it right. Accept it. I wish it hadn't taken me this long. I would have felt okay with myself a long time ago. :) I'm not saying just bigger people have this problem. Self acceptance. Everyone does, especially during the awkward jr. high/high school years. You just have hormones raging and there is nothing you can do to stop that tornado of a mess. Hahaha. I love bigger women with confidence. I am so jealous. I want to have that mindset of nothing can get me to a point where I change for them. For society. For anyone but myself. I do feel like I need to lose weight, but I want to be the one who says, "Okay, Rachel. It's time." Also, I want to do it for health reasons. Not for a boy, a dress, a size, or to shop easily in a certain store. No, I am going to do this the right way. Forget the name calling, bullying, and teasing. I'm not giving THAT a second look over. It's not worth it. I can spend my energy on something worthwhile. So, with that in place, I watched this documentary about plus size girls. Two women talked about their experiences as bigger women. Very inspiring for me, and moving. Watch it here. Just press play on the vid. :) I want everybody to like who they are inside and out. I mean, we only have one body and why not be positive? If you want change, change. If you don't, don't. And I know it's not as simple as that, but it should be. It really should be. I'm not what society sees as a black woman.
I'm not Halle Berry or Venus & Serena.

I'm Rachel, and that's enough.

♥,
Rachel

#25: No Christmas spirit. :